Managing Anger

Anger: It's Yours to Manage by James Ediger, M.A., C. Psych

Anger - of all human emotions, perhaps no other is more puzzling or troublesome. None of us likes to be angry, and yet we can't seem to prevent ourselves from feeling this way at times. We are often told, "its nothing to get angry about," and still an angry response often seems to be amongst our first. We are taught from a young age that we must learn to 'control our anger' and yet we all 'loose it' from time to time.

While it is normal and healthy to experience anger, how we react when angered can have a significant impact on our relationships, our work, and our health. A Chinese proverb states, "By controlling the anger of a minute, you may avoid the remorse of a lifetime." But how does one control anger, especially when it seems to be such an automatic response? Anger management experts suggest the following:

Understand why we get angry

Anger is an emotion that helps us to defend ourselves in the face of threat. If you become angry, it is because something has occurred which has been perceived as a threat to your physical safety, or more frequently, to your psychological well-being. Usually it is easy to identify the events that lead us to experience anger. It is more difficult to identify why we perceive these events as a threat. Think about the last time that you became angry. Review the events that led you to feel this way. Now, think about how you may have perceived these events as a threat. Perhaps the actions of another person made you feel unimportant, worthless, or invalid. Once you have acknowledged the threat, you are better able to defend yourself.

Take ownership of your anger

A common belief is that our anger is the direct result of the actions of others. This belief implies that your anger will not go away until others change how they are acting. The fact of matter is that our anger results from our perception that events in the environment are a threat to us. Maybe you've noticed that the exact same event evokes an anger response from you sometimes, but not others. Much of whether you experience anger depends on whether or not you perceive these events as a threat. In other words, we create our own anger (just as we create our own happiness, sadness, or any other emotion). This means that we are in control of how much anger we experience. By changing your perception of a situation, you can control how angry you feel.

Interrupt the anger response - Most of us have heard the advice, "If you are angry, count to ten before you say or do anything." This is good advice. By focusing your attention on a mundane task like counting, you give yourself a chance to calm down. Once you are calm, you can think more clearly about what you are feeling and why. More importantly, you can plan a course of action to resolve the situation more effectively.

Re-evaluate the situation

Unfortunately, when we are angry, our thinking often become irrational. We make assumptions about what others are thinking (e.g. "he thinks he's better than me") or what their motives are (e.g. "she is doing this because she knows it will bother me"). We also tend to male rash judgements about others (e.g. "he's an idiot") and overgeneralizations (e.g. she always acts this way"). Problems arise when we act as if these assumptions, judgements, and overgeneralizations are true. The next time you become angry, evaluate your thinking. Are you making irrational assumptions, rash judgements, or overgeneralizations? Review the situation and see if you can come up with another interpretation. Consider alternative explanations for why somebody did what they did. Evaluate whether your judgements and generalizations are true. By re-evaluating the situation, you broaden your interpretation of events that you initially perceived as threatening. As a result, they may not seem so offensive.

Be assertive, not aggressive

As mentioned earlier, anger serves a very important function. It prepares us to defend ourselves against threats to our physical safety or psychological well-being. Although it is often appropriate to feel angry, it is never appropriate to use that anger to do harm. Instead, use your anger to cue an assertive response. An assertive response is one in which you exert your rights as an individual without subsequent offence. Effective assertion does not provoke unwanted feelings of aggression on the part of the listener. Also - Being assertive in the face of anger involves first calming yourself, re-evaluating the situation to make sure you are not acting on irrational interpretations, and reminding yourself that you own your anger. If, after taking these steps, you still feel that a response is warranted, think of a way you can communicate to the other person how you feel without attacking them. Try saying in a calm and controlled tone, "I feel angry when I think... (describe how you see the event)." This will inform the other person of your interpretation of their actions and of your emotional reaction to that interpretation. It will allow the other person to clarify their intent and will provide an opportunity for both of you to resolve the issue in a calm and collaborative manner.
Venting may not help - Research shows that "venting" or repeatedly reviewing and discussing the offending event, may not lead to a reduction in feelings of anger. In fact, excessive venting can actually prolong your anger response. While it can be helpful to discuss your feelings with others, it is not helpful to rehash the offending event over-and-over once the situation has been resolved. If you find yourself repeatedly replaying an anger-provoking situation, try thought stopping. This technique involves saying the word "STOP" to yourself anytime you catch yourself rehashing the event. Then, say to yourself, "I've already dealt with this and it is time I move on." This may be difficult at first, and you may find that you quickly return to talking or thinking about the offending event. Stick with it, and eventually your anger will fade.

Take constructive action

If you find that you are frequently unhappy or angry, it may be time that you take action to correct the situation. After all, the responsibility for your happiness (and your anger) is yours. If, after evaluating the situation you feel a change is needed, formulate a plan to bring about that change. First, clearly identify what the problem is and how it can be solved. Next, identify the specific steps you need to take and the order in which you need to take them. Then, set a specific date by which you will initiate each step and follow through. As you progress through your plan, you can feel good about the fact that you are actively taking steps to correct the situation.
You will probably never eliminate anger from your life, and given the importance anger plays in self-protection, you probably don't want too. However, by using the right tools and techniques, you can control your anger and use it constructively to improve your quality and enjoyment of life.

Article contributed to EAP UPDATER by James Ediger, M.A., C. Psych

Reprinted under Creative Commons from Mind Health